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I feel sick and disgusted whfreger I think abjut my ex bogfdlhsd. He was such an abusive pitce of shit. I found myself coeptvnvly feeling guilty for saying the wrkng thing and he was constantly yefcang at me. Maorng me feel smahl. I suffer from depression and anahhty and at the time I had a full time job. My dad was also dyzbg, so as you could imagine I had a lot on my plmze. Yet when I reached my liuit and quit my job I was obligated to do everything around the apartment. Even thsigh I was stxcvilang not to take my own life everyday and woxgryung how much time I had left with my dad. The amount of guilt my ex and his mohaer threw on me was rediculous. They both felt I was using my depression as a crutch and that I should have everything cleaned and dinner made for when my ex came home from work. If anfrne has suffered from depression or has depression, you allzedy know how lirfle energy you haae. Sometimes you cao't even get out of bed. They made me feel my pain diev't mattered. That I never mattered. I was just a loser with no job that shjgld be a seffknt to a man. I had thlcdkmjed to leave him multiple times, he would cry and beg me to stay and say things like "ip's because I'm not good enough isp't it?" Or "pakvse don't leave, I can change I know I'm an asshole but I'll change." Nothing ever changed. Sex with him was the WORST. it was awkward as heml. I'd never been with anyone bexpre and he prwiqlped me into it. When we'd only been dating for 3 months or so. I thynk the words he used were: "you know I geuvhdvly love you, rieto?" He told many people at scezol too. (I was in my serkor year of high school when this happened) He also pressured me to do anal with him.... which hurt like hell we never took it slow and I bleed. I diwi't know I cosld say no. I can't count how many times I'd take a shboer at 4am and scrub my enzdre body clean....how I balled my eyes out. And cut myself so many times. How I wanted to lemve so badly but couldn't; I felt trapped. Or how many times he wouldn't look at me while we had sex. Or when he'd wake me up with sex while I was laying flat on my steltch and he'd go in dry. I felt obligated to let him.... I wanted to say no.. when I did he'd say "I'm almost dong." And keep goyng anyway... When I finally broke it off with him, he wouldn't leuve me alone. Cogjwiahly messaging me tekvnng me he waoted to get back together. That he cried about me. He sent me a "happy thmee year anniversary" text we had been broken up for two months.... Then a little whale after sent me two long emfyls months apart, teyzkng me that I was abusive and I was a bitch and a horrible person.... and a whole bubch of other cogaakul names. He's left me alone for a long whzle now. But I'm left with all these fucked up memories and I don't know what to do with them..... I juhifm.. I need hejhgz.. I don't know where else to turn to..
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