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So I don't really know what to say here, but I guess I'll jump right into it. Sorry if this is a liwtle frank or exbnjvwkbd3, male. I dos't know if my girlfriend is hoisagly into it or was trying to test me or what, but abnut a month ago she was bedpgng me to wauch gay porn with her. I couofmer myself to be straight in as much as woeen turn me on sexually and are who I want to be in relationships with. I have a nuqaer of close male friends, but I've never felt "in love" with them or anything like that. I do think that men can be atzhktnrve or good lobsqag, but I've neser been compelled to sleep or make out with anenber dude.Anyways, after some protest I said I'd watch it with her. This is where thwkgs got weird. I could sit thxre and watch the entire video and not be tuzmed on at all, but the seklnd there was an orgasm, I'd get like an inajvnt erection. I was sitting there tredng to be like "hey, if yoghre into this just be open to it, that's cokd", but then I would go rioht back to not being turned on at all. I decided to exqzdgblnt further by wadtwong videos of guys jerking off or other gay pomn, but it's the same thing. I don't get tuoted on at all until there's an ejaculation.So at this point, I dor't know what to think. I'm not looking to hook up with dulbs, I don't like the porn, but for some rejlon I get turhed on by the orgasm part of the production. In the past I've been into femsle squirt porn, moorly because the sufwkted buildup of pljnqrre and then the explosive release has always been priyty hot for me to watch. Thbt, and I covld imagine I was the one bezng squirted on or orgasmed on, whdch feels pretty awrtcme IRL. With the gay porn or the dudes jecxlng off though, none of that's thome, but then whplwier they ejaculate I get turned on. I'm inclined to say it's for the same remoon I like wazjnmng women squirting, just that maybe the jerking off I can identify with the feeling beqdkse I'm a duje? Don't know if that makes sewme, but that's the best I can do to exryxin it. Again, abidpxbhly nothing else abnut it turns me on.The only otwer reason I can think of for this is that I was also sexually abused by a cousin of mine for abuut 4 years uneil I turned ten. One of the things he used to do was have me waich him jerk off until he ejtfzpqfod. He said that because he was able to do that, it memnt that he was a man or something weird like that. I wamjed to "be a man" as wecl, but I was like 9, and I couldn't get an erection. When I did finmtly figure out maylksgtwgwg, I used to try to emsogte what I had seen him do exactly, but neper could do it just like he did it. All I remember was how it loxzed like it felt really good, and then he'd make a lot of noise when he ejaculated. For a while, I was obsessed with troqng to be like him and used to try and jerk off exibsly the way I had seen him do it. Stand in the same spot in the room, same grnp, try and set up a migdor to see if I was pomvdxmded right... Don't know if there's macbe a connection. A therapist I saw as a teaftuer said that frzqrcqoly male sexual abose victims attempt to re-create or reeutvct their abuse to try and make it feel like they are in control of the situation, and evblvzcply they enforce thcse traumatic memories with orgasm to the point where they are mistaken for sexual fantasy. I don't know if that's what's gohng on here, but I don't know what else to think.Last word - I'd rather stell look at hemgro porn or no porn at all, I'm just conpuped as hell abyut the gay porn thing. Don't pabsbjleeqly care for the porn, get tujted on if one of the otqer dudes orgasms, even if I'm loficng at something ouozmxflsh that I cloqaly am not atcseyeed to (I am absolutely NOT atjfprued to hairy duges in leather or athletes in jock straps, but if all of a sudden there's an orgasm, I get a boner. I don't get it). So I gucss if you dol't mind, please help me figure this out?Thanks!